Jokes of the Day: April Fools Urbanist Round-Up
Instead of tricking you, we've assembled a handy list of all the city-related tomfoolery that we came across today. Now you know who your real friends are.
Warning: much of it isn't that funny. It's been a day of inside jokes and local news:
"Washington D.C. Earthquake: 8.7 Magnitude Hits U.S. Capital Fire in White House," [sic], National Turk:
Emergency crews were alerted and the United States Army, Hospitals full of wounded people.
"Announcing Buffalo Mustache Hall of Fame and Museum," The Good Neighborhood:
“Some might bristle at this idea, but it’s truly a perfect pairing – mustaches and grain elevators are both back in style,” smiled Silo City owner Rick Smith with a wide grin below his own beloved mustache. “This is one more creative and exciting way for our community to reclaim and redefine these once-neglected areas – people from all walks will flock to Silo City to see the museum and Mount Stachemore, which will be seen for miles.”
"BREAKING: Givenchy Creative Director Riccardo Tisci Designs New Uniforms for the MTA," Complex:
"I think ultimately, my goal is to make the utilitarian beautiful," said the Italian designer. "These people are the thankless faces but also the beating heart of this city, always making sure things run smoothly. I think of fashion like that too, it is something often overlooked by most people, but definitely worthy of appreciation."
"MBTA Approves Plan for Late-Night Service, T to Remain Open Until 3 a.m.," BostInno:
"To cater to late-night passengers coming home from the bars, all subway and commuter rail trains will be equipped with complimentary water bottles, with the option of $2 pizza slices available for purchase on Friday and Saturday evenings."
"Kotkin Concedes to Florida: 'You Were Right,'" Planetizen:
"Kotkin had long argued that suburban areas are clearly what people want and are what's driving the future growth of the U.S. He had often and vocally opposed the idea of concentrated urban populations of the "creative class" being of any significant importance to the nation's economy. But a recent move from the suburbs of Orange County to Downtown Los Angeles has altered his viewpoint.
"Today I walked down the street from my new apartment to a café full of hipsters on MacBooks, and I loved it," Kotkin says. "I could literally see the underpinnings of a burgeoning metropolitan economy right before my eyes, sipping lattes.""
"Bloomberg Seeks to Limit the Length of Kissing in Public Spaces," Project for Public Spaces:
Citing data showing that kissing is up to dangerous levels in the city’s streets and public spaces, New York Mayor Michael Bloomberg has introduced a measure to attempt to limit the length of public displays of affection in the interest of public health. Bloomberg admitted that the rampant PDA may be an unintended consequence of the improvements in public spaces that have been central to his mayoralty.
"FDOT Agrees to Adopt Complete Streets Policy," TransitMiami:
“FDOT will no longer design streets that encourage speeding. We recognize that since no one else can hold us accountable, we will begin holding ourselves accountable for designing roads that have made Florida the deadliest state in the nation for pedestrians and cyclists”.
"MTA Considering Tokens as MetroCard Replacement," 2nd Ave. Sagas:
"As the MTA tries to get plans to replace the MetroCard back on track, the agency is considering reintroducing tokens as a last-ditch effort, according to multiple MTA sources. If the MetroCard reaches the end of its life, as is expected to happen by 2019, with no successor technology in place, the MTA may resort to tokens to save on fare payment system maintenance costs."
"Lyft to Take on Muni Routes," SFBG:
"Lyft is developing an app that would allow customers not only to view approaching buses but to book specific seats for an additional price. Sensors in the bus seats will emit an electronic buzz to alert passengers that their seats had been purchased by someone else, warning them to vacate by the next stop. If the passengers remain, they will feel a sharp electric shock."
"In-N-Out Burger Announces 5 Miami Locations for 2014," The305:
Well, the burger scene in Miami has been on fire as of late and while Shake Shack has claimed the crown in the opinions of most foodies, today, In-N-Out has reportedly announced that it will finally bring its legendary West Coast franchise to Miami, Florida by locking in lease agreements at five Miami locations spanning from Midtown, Coral Gables, Dadeland, Kendall and one final unknown location.
The burger chain chose South Florida as the catalyst for its first east coast expansion rather than New York because simply, Miami [and Florida] is more like California than any other state in the union. When In-N-Out CEO Lynsi Torres was asked about the new East Coast expansion, she simply did not respond and if you’re still reading this then you’ve obviously and very inhumanely been april fooled. Please stop reading this. The longer you read, the worst it will be...
"Virgin Launches Glass-Bottomed Plane," Virgin Blog:
"I’m thrilled to announce that Virgin has created another world-first with the introduction of the technology required to produce the world’s first glass-bottomed plane. This technological innovation coincides with the start of Virgin Atlantic Airways’ first ever domestic service to Scotland."
Unclear if there is domestic service to Scotland or if that's part of the joke too. See what I mean about these posts?
Finally, in perhaps the driest joke of the day, I present to you everyone's favorite Toronto mayoral candidate and ex-MLB Cassandra:
I am getting married today— Jose Canseco (@JoseCanseco) April 1, 2013
April fools— Jose Canseco (@JoseCanseco) April 1, 2013
Maybe next year will be better. We'll leave you with this screenshot of the website of Oberlin College in Ohio: